So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way

*cue clapping*


Things I did not expect to still be happening in 2017:

• my ever-lasting gap "year". I say year like that because, truthfully, I've been on an unintentional gap year for about four years, because -- this leads me to my next point --
• I'm not at drama school yet. Ah, yes. Drama school. Many moons ago, when I was at the ripe old age of 18 - optimistic, filled with ambition and all the naïve confidence of an A* A-level Drama and Theatre　Studies student -- I first applied for　drama school. And then I was rejected. Fast forward three years, and I'm still　applying for drama schools, and plot twist! I'm still being rejected. Was it Catherine Tate who had four attempts at getting into Central? I don't know, but that urban legend is the only thing keeping me going at the minute.
• McDonalds still doesn't deliver. I'm not the first to say it, I certainly won't be the last, but damn what is the deal there?　

So yes, four years out of education and I'm still living at home, I still don't have my degree, I'm still working the same part-time job. This isn't what I envisioned when I collected my A-Level results one warm, terrifying morning in August.
And that's been a hard pill to swallow, let me tell you. Not yet being where I wanted to be when I made those five-year-plans ago isn't easy. Especially when I see all my friends at the tail-end of their university courses, on track to get their degrees (albeit with blood, sweat, and tears under their fingernails as they frantically finish those essays), or making massive progressions in their career, or getting their first house, making families, adulting. (Not that I want a family yet, I barely cope with having to feed my cat in the mornings, let alone facilitate feeding small children).


It feels a little like being lost in the supermarket when you're five years old, and you've lost grip on your mother's hand. There are lots of big humans rushing past you, and you're trying not to trip over their ankles. There's a whole big world going on around me, and I just don't feel qualified yet to navigate the fruit and veg aisle.

Qualified, however, is a subjective term.

I've feel very much stuck in a limbo-place, between where I was -- A-Level's, on the cusp of opportunity and possibility -- and where I am right now.


So let's take a look at that. Things that are happening in 2017:

• I am an educator! I teach small children maths and English for most of the week,　whether they like it or not (often not).　I've been doing this for almost two years, and apart from being surrounded by rampant germs (they are everywhere when you work with small humans), I love my job. I bloody love my job. I　am surrounded by　wonderfully bright and passionate young kids who draw me pretty pictures and give me their stickers. I get to make a difference to their education, build bonds with them over Marvel and Disney, and the latest YouTube fad (the amount of children I have seen dabbing).
• I am an actress. Professionally or not, paid or not, that's what I am. In my heart and soul, I am a woman made for the stage. And　as it's my　fourth year of applying for drama schools, I am hoping to God that this year is the year I start to train as a real actor (as opposed to all those fake ones). Watch this space, I guess?
• I am in a long-term relationship　--　and let me tell ya, guys and gals, I lucked out when I　picked my man from the Boyfriend Barrel. You know, those big barrels of boyfriends they have lying about at Tesco.
• I am still a work in progress.

I found my footing over the last four years. I'm a stickler for self-reflection, what can I say? Getting brutally rejected (lols crying through the pain) the first . . . second . . . third time round, has　made this year surprisingly easy. It made me determined, relentless, hungry to make 2017 my year.

• This year, I am going to university, hell or high water.
• This year, I will stop scaring myself out of going back to my literary roots and write like　I did when I was 18, entering literary competitions and networking with publishers.
• This year, I will grasp every acting opportunity that comes my way. I'm gonna tread those boards, and start promoting myself as an actor. Cos who would have thought that as a self-employed artist, you actually have to promote yourself? I know, shocker.
• And just to throw it in, this year I will read some more damn books, and stop skimping out on getting my nose between the pages.

I'm ready to leave limbo. This New Years, I raised my glass to the next chapter in my life.